My Exxperiment

I finally broke my addiction to R. 

I knew she was bad for me, bad for my life. She was like a cancer to my soul. But like any addiction, I could not stop. 

Is there any higher “high” than sexual attraction? Than saying “I love you” and having it said in return? Maybe for some, but not for me. A year ago, I finally realized it. She was my hookup and my drug rolled into one. 

But it had not been cold turkey. Six months before, I’d said everything that could possibly be said to affect a goodbye and good riddance. Six months later, she starts texting me again. How she could possibly want me again is still a mystery, after the degree of brutal honesty I’d used. But she knew my weakness, same as hers. Within a week we were fucking on her balcony, like nothing had ever happened. 

Not hard to guess how that all ended. But at least it was final.

I finally entered therapy this time. It’s helped—a lot. I had already figured out the addiction part, and had no trouble being honest about it. I declared to myself, and my closest friends—who would NOT stop trying to fix me up—what my problem was, and that I had to get sober. Maybe forever. This, they understood. Eventually.

Six months ago, I was in another city visiting my best friend, and a friend of his set her sights on me. She was very attractive, very intelligent, and very sexy. She was also very interested in me. I fell off the wagon, and completely into her. It was the same relationship I’ve had, over and over, but even more so. She was young. She was extremely hot. the sex was amazing. She was addicted to pills, pot, and coke. It was a crescendo loud enough for even me to hear. 

Enough.

That was six months ago today. 

So, why do I spend idle time on tumblr’s wild side?

Why does a drunk sit in a bar and drink club soda? 

I’d like to know: I can drink without addiction, eat without addiction, even smoke without addiction (really). Why can’t I do that with women? Why am I so obsessed with female beauty? With love? Why is it so poisonous to me?

Why do I still think about R anytime my mind is idle enough to wander? Hate is so self-destructive, yet the temptation is always so close…